it's just emotion

 it's been a while since i wrote something here. and i hate it you know, i hate that i'm so excited to create a new blog/post but end up not writing anything in the middle. it doesn't really matter to me if it was read or not, i just want to share what i feel inside. but then, it's exhausting sometimes to say how you feel and explain it over and you know no one listens. and then, i will realize again, this is the reason why this page existed. from time to time, i remind myself, not to rush at everything, that i should think it through coz i'm not that very good at making decisions. enough about my laziness in writing blogs, let's get to the shitty life updates of mine, or better be, some of my takeaways.

last month was like a roller coaster ride of emotion. I feel like there are several emotions coming to me in just a day. it feels like happiness was a breakfast in the morning, sadness for lunch, loneliness for dinner. And I'm so full. I tried so hard to take things slow, but so many things around me are reminding me to rush. there are times that i think maybe, i'll never reach my destination, that there are always stops along the way and reroutes, i'm wondering where it will lead me, i'm getting confused about what i really want in my life, which direction to take.

dear october, it's so hard to hold multiple emotions at once, i get so overwhelmed about it and i'm always anxious. what do i do next? i hope this time, i'll get my clarity. 

i learned that it's okay to tell my feelings, confess what i really feel inside over someone, even if the answer i will receive is a no, or just a half-hearted love. it feels liberating, free from guilt from treating my heart cruel all the time, from preventing it to be free from the emotion it's holding in. i never did it before, even when i'm so head over heels over people. and now, i was able to do it. it's so scary, and yet, it makes me realize, people deserve to know the way i feel about them. 

i learned that there will be one person that feels so good for your soul and your heart, but you can't be with them, it's like a parallel universe, you'll never bound to meet... and it's such a shame and so unfair, why i can't fully own this good feeling, that feeling that calms my soul. i guess maybe, i really cannot have all the best things in this life, that i really can't be selfish if i want to. maybe in another lifetime, only in a perfect world where we can get what we want. all i can feel is sadness, that's all it will ever be. i know at one point, this will end, suddenly, this may disappear without me knowing it, i may wake up one day and will be clueless again, starting again, that i can't keep it for so long. everything's a borrowed time, moments were just a borrowed time. 

i learned some things have to end, no matter how short and long the moment. whether it's grief, regret, miseries, sadness, loneliness, happiness, bliss... there's always a timer, to remind you and wake you up, it's time to leave these feelings behind. 

i learned that i need to stop asking myself why, and telling my heart i am never enough. i'm too tired to hear it over and over from my own voice. for once, i wanted to remind myself, some things are just not for me and there will be moments that only I can cherish it, that it's mine and i own this moment. 

i have so many stories to tell but i'm also too tired to revisit it at this point. 

i'm hoping to see the rainbows afer all the rainy days. hoping to see myself one day, smiling and happy without the worry that i will be sad next. 

again, i'm reminding myself, you've won so many times and learned from your defeats. 

you are strong, or atleast, on your way there.