the overwhelming adulting phase

 back me up on this, i know i'm not the one feeling this way...

gone are the days of our youth, those times where we just enjoy life the way we want to, gone are the days where we don't worry much about bills and have our knees be bruised from all the fun we did outdoors with our friends in the yard, in the river, or somewhere else, and our parents are still young and strong. when i was young, i used to think that those days will never end, that the happy times will always be there in the corner, always within my reach, but poof! after graduating from college, i thought i can be so used to being adult, i can always be free and do all i want without my parents restricting me coz i have the means to go away once i get  my "dream job", but hell yeah,  my planned life was never my destiny, it's all a roller coaster life ride. whenever i look back on the first year of my corporate work, it was mostly days of wonderment, of confusion, of deciding where i want to be. i was always sad, well, tho, you can't really tell i'm sad coz i always have this bubbly attitude with the people around me. after my work in the BPO industry, it's just that i'm always feeling that i'm lacking something, something missing about me, this could be passion, motivation, inspiration, and a vision of me.

i'm like a walking question mark, looking for answers everywhere i go. 

I know it's just not your profession that defines your purpose in life, but also, the core of your being, what do I want in life, why do I constantly felt like a hole is so deep inside me i can't fathom what it wants. 

there are still days of sadness, loneliness, confusion, of staring blankly ahead, up until now.

but then, i know i've got to keep going, that there's still a fire burning in my heart,  there's still passion i needed to relive. i'll still keep on moving forward...

no matter how tough it is to live, i'll get used to it slowly and surely, i know life's not a one way street, there are so many roads leading me somewhere, and i might be lost too most of the time so that i'll understand and learn where i'm really going.

life's a bitch, it is 101% true, but i will always be a fighter, i will still choose to stand when i fall and got a lot of emotional bruises.

i will still keep on going. 

repeat. 

i will never force a love that's not for me

 it feels so good to have your feelings reciprocated, noticed and be given the assurance, darn, i would do anything to keep that for a long long time.

but no love is a fairytale where your prince charming or princess is always bound for you, that true love's kiss is the key to survival and a forever to come true. i am so sure that it is very rare.

no matter how much i felt so much about you, no matter how overwhelming the love i have for you, i will never force you to stay when you never want to, when i know you are hesitant, you are free to go... you deserve a love that you want for you, and if it isn't me, who am I to hold on to you, to force you to choose me and stay.

you are always free to let go of me, you are always free to tell me you don't want me for life, you are always free to never respond to me, coz who am  I to force you?

i will never force a love that's not for me, i just wanted you to tell me so that i know i will start moving on from you no matter how hard it seems.

au revoir

 i'm so glad i met you, even in the shortest time, even when you're from a far away land, i'm glad i was your friend, my late night person to speak with, my lullaby singer, a comforter, the one who told me i am not meaningless. 

and yes, i'm letting you go, goodbye. you made me happy and i know at some point i do made you happy too, but i have to let go to make myself whole again, to lessen my burdens, to stop overthinking, to refrain from my what if's, so that i can no longer tell myself that i'm just some doubter and that my emotions weren't valid because i always think of you as a good one... but truth is, i felt you were never sure about me, you just gave me butterflies sometimes but you left me hanging everytime. it isn't your fault, but mine, i should have seen it, i should have realized it first, i shouldn't have continued the conversations, the late nights, i shouldn't have waited for you, i shouldn't have made expectations... i shouldn't have let you be close to me. 

still, i'm grateful for you, but it's all that we are, we are just some lonely people that found each other but will never bound to meet. sorry for everything. 

i am not the one for you, you are not the one for me.

sometimes, i think, that maybe, if you just gave me the assurance, that you will somehow want me for a long time, that i am worth your time, and that if you did not make your responses a dead-end topic, i should have think of myself special.

but damn my expectations and my feelings and my need for assurance, i am clearly just not the one you want. i made a fool of myself, it wasn't all your fault but mine. it is clear that it's all my fault. i am very sorry.

so for the last time, good bye.

i wish you all the best, have a good good life. 

i am letting go

 sometimes, i feel like i don't fit anywhere no matter where i run to, there's no genuine arms to hold and tell me, "it's okay, honey, you are worth the wait, worth my time." all i ever hear in my head are pretend love and pretend care, they weren't really there for me, they weren't there on my tough times, in my times of confusion and uncertainties, i feel just walking in a limbo, all by myself... i have no direction and my destinations are crossroads without signs. 

i'm tired of temporary things, people, moments...i'm tired of it all. i am letting go of these nuisances, i don't need need them in my life. i want assurance, i'm sick of being confused, i'm sick of waiting for some undeclared feelings, i'm sick of a love that's only half or never there but pretending to be there. i'm sick of asking myself, "am i still the one?"  i'm sick of my subconscious constantly reminding me, no he ain't the one, you're his temporary, an option,  past time, a love that's never true, you're not the love of his life, he is not sure about you. i'm tired. i am letting go, for the final time. i am gonna start telling myself everyday, to not hold on anymore, to no wait for something that will never ever come, and to an unsure feeling, i will start reminding myself...if it's for you, they will let you know, they will let you have it felt without you asking them about it. 

i am gonna spend my life starting today without why's. i will be sure about me, choose me, take care of me, love the things before that loved me back, that calls my attention, that wants me and waiting for me, i know they're not in human form, but they were my passion, calling me back, calling me back to love them again and reminding me to never hold on to any person. 

i am letting go.