How Are We?

 How are you? 

You'll probably be sitting right now with your phone or laptop, comfortably browsing and reading, with a cup of coffee at your table. I picture you awesomely, glad you look and feel okay.

How are you these past few days?

This pandemic may have made you anxious. I know, pretty hard, we still cannot go back to our old normal lives. We wish we could, but it's still a little impossible.

If you live in my country, the Philippines, I know you can relate. We have the highest cases in South East Asia, 27th place globally.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of other countries slowly recovering because they followed science, but I am jealous... particularly, New Zealand. If I have the chance to go there, I would, but it's lame, I know, leaving my country just for comfort? That's selfish, also, impossible.

Before pandemic, I believe we are one of the most beautiful, a lot of things to boast about, especially tourism. We still are, but right now, can't blame anyone for all of this, it happened for a reason. We may be confused as to why it happened, but things like this happened before, hundred of years ago, and I heard it was worse coz there were no advanced technologies to detect these viruses, plus, war was prevalent.

Yes, I am thankful I can still say things like these all over the internet, but also, I feel so sad for people who are enduring due to COVID19. No one deserves this, everyone deserves to be at home with families, or bond with friends enjoying milk tea or samgyupsal outside, go to the beach, hike, enjoy a river cruise, and have a picnic at the park. Everyone deserves a hug from their loved ones and feel the care, not fear. This is totally unfair, no one deserves to be in the hospital bed breathing hard and be cremated the next day coz their immune system can't fight anymore. 

I know, it's a shame it happened, we have limited things to do. I feel glad for people who recovered and back to normal again. I wish this would stop, if vaccines can help, so be it, so be it...

I don't know why the heck I am trying to ask this, it probably won't be the same for everyone, I maybe the only one feeling so sick, and others have moved on, living an amazing life. I am still in the zone, I am still anxious. I am healthy, I guess, but maybe, I shouldn't worry that much.

This I believe, the world will move on and it will be healed.

Soon. 

Good. Bye.

I should be crying, regretful, feeling pathetic, and burdensome.

Why does it keep happening to me? I am always the one holding on to memories, to the good old past moments, looking at old photos, conversations, throwbacks, only to get hurt in the end.

I hate having a sensitive heart and a thoughtful character. 

I look back to my past actions and realized, people must not have held on to me coz I’m not worth it.  I feel like I’m the past memories they don’t want to revisit anymore. 

No one even dared to ask how I am, am I sad or happy, am I alive. 

But maybe these sad thoughts are just part of me I can’t let go. 

I just treasure people in my life so much but I’m afraid to chase after those who left. My initial thought would be, they don’t need me any longer. 

And maybe, God removed people in our lives for a reason.

Maybe the journey isn’t about staying in one place and be stuck there forever.

Maybe, it’s always about goodbyes, moving on, starting a new chapter. keep going on.

There’ll be something good waiting someday.

To all the friends and people I’ve found and lost, hey thanks for everything. I do not regret meeting you, thanks for giving me memories to look back on.

No matter what, you will always be a part of me, let’s just keep moving on.

I wish you all the good in life. 

Originally posted by wonderlandgirl4ever

Dear Anxious Self

hey,

how are you? you did a great job! you are falling apart but you are holding on, even to things and situations that you wanted to escape from. how did you even do that? I thought, we will give up, that you and I will quit in this battle, your heart and your mind are messing up each other. I wonder how you keep following your overthinking mind, the negatives,  the " I wanna give up" thoughts sometimes. Sometimes, I wanna remind you, self, please listen to your heart sometimes. It wants you to feel, cry, let it all go, no matter how hard. hey self, you are enough. even if this world sometimes is all chaos and hopelessness. even when they all turned cold.

i know sometimes, you want to be needed to, the desire to be loved and accepted for whatever the mess you are, but you know, we can't force people to do that. you can't force one person dear to you to stay, to miss you, text you good morning and good night, to tell you you are beautiful... but it's exhausting. it's exhausting to craved to be loved, you want it to be natural, so you ignore the small talks, the bad intentions, false signals, it's better to be alone than to be with people who never really care, who only sees you as temporary nothing. let's avoid those people, those aren't healthy and it's not good for your soul who only needs a sanctuary. 

hey self, please love yourself a little more.

i hope you keep fighting.

no matter what.. you and i will be together,

no matter how great the pain and fear.

i am proud of you.

xoxo,

love lots,

- yourself, who's feeling weak right now. 

Do You Ever Feel Stuck?

This pandemic season is really life-changing. Anxiety takes over your peace of mind all the time. 
You aren't even sure if you're safe the next days, weeks, or months, especially, if you live in my country where the curve did not even flatten. And amidst this, you also have personal issues and an emotional hell of a phase... like you aren't moving at all. Overthinking alert!

Well, have you ever felt so stuck about your life? Not moving at all, not a glimpse of the future, and you feel so terrible. Well, I gotta admit, this is like a hell-phase. I have always wanted to start over and rethink all my decisions in life, but I feel so hopeless and demotivated. 

That's why I'm writing this, maybe someone out there, is feeling this hopelessness too. Well, I kind of wanna know if I'm the only one, but maybe not, maybe some people are suffering inside in their head. And I feel for you, guys. 

Although I feel so terrible about a lot of things going on around and inside me, I'm also curious, maybe someday something better in this life will come. It feels like emotional hell right now, but life's a surprise and mystery, right? 

Maybe, I just need to hang on and keep going, even though these words have been repeatedly spoken inside my head, I just need to try and try until I come to a point of stability. But, I'm not sure about stability though, if you already knew from the beginning, it will still going to be messy. 

Even if I feel so hopeless, stuck, and miserable, life's still fair though. I still can't accept it's my dead end. Maybe, this is just one of the chapters in my life where holding on to your self and a little faith is a must.

I think I just need to renew my faith and reinvent me, think over my decisions, again and again, believe in this vision that one day, there'll be a better place. 

I suck at motivating myself, but thanks SELF, you are staying strong!

The Iconic FRIENDS TV Show

I've been a fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S since early 2019. I haven't watched it before until a friend of mine recommends it. And yeah, I'm in for a non-stop laugh and happiness, it's my stress reliever and refuge from sorrow at times. I was so young and I can't quite understand it before, I remember I saw Ross and Rachel there, I think I was 10, and the TV we used is still the traditional one, but I have no idea what they were saying and why it's funny. Lol. 

Thanks, Netflix! You saved me! Please don't remove it. 

I never knew a show could have an effect on me since I'm not really fond of watching super long seasons. To be honest, the Vampire Diaries is really good but sad to say, I didn't continue to watch it coz my heart is already broken. lol. I can't bear to watch it and I see the season is very long so I give-up easily, I'm sorry my fragile my heart. 

But F.R.I.E.N.D.S is my only exception, it's a series that you will get to enjoy and laugh at every line and you wish there will be more than 10 seasons to watch. I wish to have more of Chandler's sarcastic tone and lame jokes. Phoebe's quirkiness and realness, Joey's super funny reaction and childish ways, Rachel's gorgeous face, and braveness even when she's scared, Monica's controlling but caring ways, and Ross' hilarious expression. This squad makes me laugh so much and until now, even if I finished all the 10 seasons, I'm rewatching since the start.