Sorry, Heart

 Sorry, my heart, to keep depriving you although you really wanted to be filled in. So many doubts have been feeding you from my mind that's so used to overthink, thinking you are not enough, you can't handle overwhelming emotion and pain... but you oh so wanted to open up, knowing from deep within you are capable of it. 

But I still kept you, inside a shell. 

I keep telling you, you are not ready. 

No, not now, maybe not ever. 

You are asking many times, when will I ever be ready? 

Aren't you so used to being lonely? 

Yes, I know you are so used to being lonely. But I'm afraid you'll break you cannot catch up.

So many endless nights, waking up every 3 AM from this hollow, echoing, shouting chamber in your heart

" You need to let it out" 

And yet here I am, your mind, your "master" still a prisoner of thoughts. 

Keep telling you, " no, not now, people are dangerous to give your heart for. 

" But what if not?" you asked. 

What if all I ever need is this, to let me open, to let me be held, and be broke again... to find a shelter. 

No, I cannot live alone... I cannot live alone. I need someone, I need a heart to guide me home. 

My mind still shouts back. 

No, I can't risk you, anymore. I know you, I know you more than anyone else. You are so used to giving all that energy, only to be left out. I promised-, I will keep you strong. 

the overwhelming adulting phase

 back me up on this, i know i'm not the one feeling this way...

gone are the days of our youth, those times where we just enjoy life the way we want to, gone are the days where we don't worry much about bills and have our knees be bruised from all the fun we did outdoors with our friends in the yard, in the river, or somewhere else, and our parents are still young and strong. when i was young, i used to think that those days will never end, that the happy times will always be there in the corner, always within my reach, but poof! after graduating from college, i thought i can be so used to being adult, i can always be free and do all i want without my parents restricting me coz i have the means to go away once i get  my "dream job", but hell yeah,  my planned life was never my destiny, it's all a roller coaster life ride. whenever i look back on the first year of my corporate work, it was mostly days of wonderment, of confusion, of deciding where i want to be. i was always sad, well, tho, you can't really tell i'm sad coz i always have this bubbly attitude with the people around me. after my work in the BPO industry, it's just that i'm always feeling that i'm lacking something, something missing about me, this could be passion, motivation, inspiration, and a vision of me.

i'm like a walking question mark, looking for answers everywhere i go. 

I know it's just not your profession that defines your purpose in life, but also, the core of your being, what do I want in life, why do I constantly felt like a hole is so deep inside me i can't fathom what it wants. 

there are still days of sadness, loneliness, confusion, of staring blankly ahead, up until now.

but then, i know i've got to keep going, that there's still a fire burning in my heart,  there's still passion i needed to relive. i'll still keep on moving forward...

no matter how tough it is to live, i'll get used to it slowly and surely, i know life's not a one way street, there are so many roads leading me somewhere, and i might be lost too most of the time so that i'll understand and learn where i'm really going.

life's a bitch, it is 101% true, but i will always be a fighter, i will still choose to stand when i fall and got a lot of emotional bruises.

i will still keep on going. 

repeat. 

i will never force a love that's not for me

 it feels so good to have your feelings reciprocated, noticed and be given the assurance, darn, i would do anything to keep that for a long long time.

but no love is a fairytale where your prince charming or princess is always bound for you, that true love's kiss is the key to survival and a forever to come true. i am so sure that it is very rare.

no matter how much i felt so much about you, no matter how overwhelming the love i have for you, i will never force you to stay when you never want to, when i know you are hesitant, you are free to go... you deserve a love that you want for you, and if it isn't me, who am I to hold on to you, to force you to choose me and stay.

you are always free to let go of me, you are always free to tell me you don't want me for life, you are always free to never respond to me, coz who am  I to force you?

i will never force a love that's not for me, i just wanted you to tell me so that i know i will start moving on from you no matter how hard it seems.

au revoir

 i'm so glad i met you, even in the shortest time, even when you're from a far away land, i'm glad i was your friend, my late night person to speak with, my lullaby singer, a comforter, the one who told me i am not meaningless. 

and yes, i'm letting you go, goodbye. you made me happy and i know at some point i do made you happy too, but i have to let go to make myself whole again, to lessen my burdens, to stop overthinking, to refrain from my what if's, so that i can no longer tell myself that i'm just some doubter and that my emotions weren't valid because i always think of you as a good one... but truth is, i felt you were never sure about me, you just gave me butterflies sometimes but you left me hanging everytime. it isn't your fault, but mine, i should have seen it, i should have realized it first, i shouldn't have continued the conversations, the late nights, i shouldn't have waited for you, i shouldn't have made expectations... i shouldn't have let you be close to me. 

still, i'm grateful for you, but it's all that we are, we are just some lonely people that found each other but will never bound to meet. sorry for everything. 

i am not the one for you, you are not the one for me.

sometimes, i think, that maybe, if you just gave me the assurance, that you will somehow want me for a long time, that i am worth your time, and that if you did not make your responses a dead-end topic, i should have think of myself special.

but damn my expectations and my feelings and my need for assurance, i am clearly just not the one you want. i made a fool of myself, it wasn't all your fault but mine. it is clear that it's all my fault. i am very sorry.

so for the last time, good bye.

i wish you all the best, have a good good life. 

i am letting go

 sometimes, i feel like i don't fit anywhere no matter where i run to, there's no genuine arms to hold and tell me, "it's okay, honey, you are worth the wait, worth my time." all i ever hear in my head are pretend love and pretend care, they weren't really there for me, they weren't there on my tough times, in my times of confusion and uncertainties, i feel just walking in a limbo, all by myself... i have no direction and my destinations are crossroads without signs. 

i'm tired of temporary things, people, moments...i'm tired of it all. i am letting go of these nuisances, i don't need need them in my life. i want assurance, i'm sick of being confused, i'm sick of waiting for some undeclared feelings, i'm sick of a love that's only half or never there but pretending to be there. i'm sick of asking myself, "am i still the one?"  i'm sick of my subconscious constantly reminding me, no he ain't the one, you're his temporary, an option,  past time, a love that's never true, you're not the love of his life, he is not sure about you. i'm tired. i am letting go, for the final time. i am gonna start telling myself everyday, to not hold on anymore, to no wait for something that will never ever come, and to an unsure feeling, i will start reminding myself...if it's for you, they will let you know, they will let you have it felt without you asking them about it. 

i am gonna spend my life starting today without why's. i will be sure about me, choose me, take care of me, love the things before that loved me back, that calls my attention, that wants me and waiting for me, i know they're not in human form, but they were my passion, calling me back, calling me back to love them again and reminding me to never hold on to any person. 

i am letting go. 

it's just emotion

 it's been a while since i wrote something here. and i hate it you know, i hate that i'm so excited to create a new blog/post but end up not writing anything in the middle. it doesn't really matter to me if it was read or not, i just want to share what i feel inside. but then, it's exhausting sometimes to say how you feel and explain it over and you know no one listens. and then, i will realize again, this is the reason why this page existed. from time to time, i remind myself, not to rush at everything, that i should think it through coz i'm not that very good at making decisions. enough about my laziness in writing blogs, let's get to the shitty life updates of mine, or better be, some of my takeaways.

last month was like a roller coaster ride of emotion. I feel like there are several emotions coming to me in just a day. it feels like happiness was a breakfast in the morning, sadness for lunch, loneliness for dinner. And I'm so full. I tried so hard to take things slow, but so many things around me are reminding me to rush. there are times that i think maybe, i'll never reach my destination, that there are always stops along the way and reroutes, i'm wondering where it will lead me, i'm getting confused about what i really want in my life, which direction to take.

dear october, it's so hard to hold multiple emotions at once, i get so overwhelmed about it and i'm always anxious. what do i do next? i hope this time, i'll get my clarity. 

i learned that it's okay to tell my feelings, confess what i really feel inside over someone, even if the answer i will receive is a no, or just a half-hearted love. it feels liberating, free from guilt from treating my heart cruel all the time, from preventing it to be free from the emotion it's holding in. i never did it before, even when i'm so head over heels over people. and now, i was able to do it. it's so scary, and yet, it makes me realize, people deserve to know the way i feel about them. 

i learned that there will be one person that feels so good for your soul and your heart, but you can't be with them, it's like a parallel universe, you'll never bound to meet... and it's such a shame and so unfair, why i can't fully own this good feeling, that feeling that calms my soul. i guess maybe, i really cannot have all the best things in this life, that i really can't be selfish if i want to. maybe in another lifetime, only in a perfect world where we can get what we want. all i can feel is sadness, that's all it will ever be. i know at one point, this will end, suddenly, this may disappear without me knowing it, i may wake up one day and will be clueless again, starting again, that i can't keep it for so long. everything's a borrowed time, moments were just a borrowed time. 

i learned some things have to end, no matter how short and long the moment. whether it's grief, regret, miseries, sadness, loneliness, happiness, bliss... there's always a timer, to remind you and wake you up, it's time to leave these feelings behind. 

i learned that i need to stop asking myself why, and telling my heart i am never enough. i'm too tired to hear it over and over from my own voice. for once, i wanted to remind myself, some things are just not for me and there will be moments that only I can cherish it, that it's mine and i own this moment. 

i have so many stories to tell but i'm also too tired to revisit it at this point. 

i'm hoping to see the rainbows afer all the rainy days. hoping to see myself one day, smiling and happy without the worry that i will be sad next. 

again, i'm reminding myself, you've won so many times and learned from your defeats. 

you are strong, or atleast, on your way there. 

How Are We?

 How are you? 

You'll probably be sitting right now with your phone or laptop, comfortably browsing and reading, with a cup of coffee at your table. I picture you awesomely, glad you look and feel okay.

How are you these past few days?

This pandemic may have made you anxious. I know, pretty hard, we still cannot go back to our old normal lives. We wish we could, but it's still a little impossible.

If you live in my country, the Philippines, I know you can relate. We have the highest cases in South East Asia, 27th place globally.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of other countries slowly recovering because they followed science, but I am jealous... particularly, New Zealand. If I have the chance to go there, I would, but it's lame, I know, leaving my country just for comfort? That's selfish, also, impossible.

Before pandemic, I believe we are one of the most beautiful, a lot of things to boast about, especially tourism. We still are, but right now, can't blame anyone for all of this, it happened for a reason. We may be confused as to why it happened, but things like this happened before, hundred of years ago, and I heard it was worse coz there were no advanced technologies to detect these viruses, plus, war was prevalent.

Yes, I am thankful I can still say things like these all over the internet, but also, I feel so sad for people who are enduring due to COVID19. No one deserves this, everyone deserves to be at home with families, or bond with friends enjoying milk tea or samgyupsal outside, go to the beach, hike, enjoy a river cruise, and have a picnic at the park. Everyone deserves a hug from their loved ones and feel the care, not fear. This is totally unfair, no one deserves to be in the hospital bed breathing hard and be cremated the next day coz their immune system can't fight anymore. 

I know, it's a shame it happened, we have limited things to do. I feel glad for people who recovered and back to normal again. I wish this would stop, if vaccines can help, so be it, so be it...

I don't know why the heck I am trying to ask this, it probably won't be the same for everyone, I maybe the only one feeling so sick, and others have moved on, living an amazing life. I am still in the zone, I am still anxious. I am healthy, I guess, but maybe, I shouldn't worry that much.

This I believe, the world will move on and it will be healed.

Soon. 

Good. Bye.

I should be crying, regretful, feeling pathetic, and burdensome.

Why does it keep happening to me? I am always the one holding on to memories, to the good old past moments, looking at old photos, conversations, throwbacks, only to get hurt in the end.

I hate having a sensitive heart and a thoughtful character. 

I look back to my past actions and realized, people must not have held on to me coz I’m not worth it.  I feel like I’m the past memories they don’t want to revisit anymore. 

No one even dared to ask how I am, am I sad or happy, am I alive. 

But maybe these sad thoughts are just part of me I can’t let go. 

I just treasure people in my life so much but I’m afraid to chase after those who left. My initial thought would be, they don’t need me any longer. 

And maybe, God removed people in our lives for a reason.

Maybe the journey isn’t about staying in one place and be stuck there forever.

Maybe, it’s always about goodbyes, moving on, starting a new chapter. keep going on.

There’ll be something good waiting someday.

To all the friends and people I’ve found and lost, hey thanks for everything. I do not regret meeting you, thanks for giving me memories to look back on.

No matter what, you will always be a part of me, let’s just keep moving on.

I wish you all the good in life. 

Originally posted by wonderlandgirl4ever

Dear Anxious Self

hey,

how are you? you did a great job! you are falling apart but you are holding on, even to things and situations that you wanted to escape from. how did you even do that? I thought, we will give up, that you and I will quit in this battle, your heart and your mind are messing up each other. I wonder how you keep following your overthinking mind, the negatives,  the " I wanna give up" thoughts sometimes. Sometimes, I wanna remind you, self, please listen to your heart sometimes. It wants you to feel, cry, let it all go, no matter how hard. hey self, you are enough. even if this world sometimes is all chaos and hopelessness. even when they all turned cold.

i know sometimes, you want to be needed to, the desire to be loved and accepted for whatever the mess you are, but you know, we can't force people to do that. you can't force one person dear to you to stay, to miss you, text you good morning and good night, to tell you you are beautiful... but it's exhausting. it's exhausting to craved to be loved, you want it to be natural, so you ignore the small talks, the bad intentions, false signals, it's better to be alone than to be with people who never really care, who only sees you as temporary nothing. let's avoid those people, those aren't healthy and it's not good for your soul who only needs a sanctuary. 

hey self, please love yourself a little more.

i hope you keep fighting.

no matter what.. you and i will be together,

no matter how great the pain and fear.

i am proud of you.

xoxo,

love lots,

- yourself, who's feeling weak right now. 

Do You Ever Feel Stuck?

This pandemic season is really life-changing. Anxiety takes over your peace of mind all the time. 
You aren't even sure if you're safe the next days, weeks, or months, especially, if you live in my country where the curve did not even flatten. And amidst this, you also have personal issues and an emotional hell of a phase... like you aren't moving at all. Overthinking alert!

Well, have you ever felt so stuck about your life? Not moving at all, not a glimpse of the future, and you feel so terrible. Well, I gotta admit, this is like a hell-phase. I have always wanted to start over and rethink all my decisions in life, but I feel so hopeless and demotivated. 

That's why I'm writing this, maybe someone out there, is feeling this hopelessness too. Well, I kind of wanna know if I'm the only one, but maybe not, maybe some people are suffering inside in their head. And I feel for you, guys. 

Although I feel so terrible about a lot of things going on around and inside me, I'm also curious, maybe someday something better in this life will come. It feels like emotional hell right now, but life's a surprise and mystery, right? 

Maybe, I just need to hang on and keep going, even though these words have been repeatedly spoken inside my head, I just need to try and try until I come to a point of stability. But, I'm not sure about stability though, if you already knew from the beginning, it will still going to be messy. 

Even if I feel so hopeless, stuck, and miserable, life's still fair though. I still can't accept it's my dead end. Maybe, this is just one of the chapters in my life where holding on to your self and a little faith is a must.

I think I just need to renew my faith and reinvent me, think over my decisions, again and again, believe in this vision that one day, there'll be a better place. 

I suck at motivating myself, but thanks SELF, you are staying strong!

The Iconic FRIENDS TV Show

I've been a fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S since early 2019. I haven't watched it before until a friend of mine recommends it. And yeah, I'm in for a non-stop laugh and happiness, it's my stress reliever and refuge from sorrow at times. I was so young and I can't quite understand it before, I remember I saw Ross and Rachel there, I think I was 10, and the TV we used is still the traditional one, but I have no idea what they were saying and why it's funny. Lol. 

Thanks, Netflix! You saved me! Please don't remove it. 

I never knew a show could have an effect on me since I'm not really fond of watching super long seasons. To be honest, the Vampire Diaries is really good but sad to say, I didn't continue to watch it coz my heart is already broken. lol. I can't bear to watch it and I see the season is very long so I give-up easily, I'm sorry my fragile my heart. 

But F.R.I.E.N.D.S is my only exception, it's a series that you will get to enjoy and laugh at every line and you wish there will be more than 10 seasons to watch. I wish to have more of Chandler's sarcastic tone and lame jokes. Phoebe's quirkiness and realness, Joey's super funny reaction and childish ways, Rachel's gorgeous face, and braveness even when she's scared, Monica's controlling but caring ways, and Ross' hilarious expression. This squad makes me laugh so much and until now, even if I finished all the 10 seasons, I'm rewatching since the start.